The Coffin and the 'Go To Words'

Okay so, a very quick update, just to give  you an idea of my current situation and my need for your assistance. No need to worry though, a coffin isn't one of them. But all will be revealed very soon. I am merely setting the stage. Oh, and I am blogging from my iPhone so there will be no embedded links or my usual fancy signature. There will also be no previewing or 'spelling check' and PicMonkey is not available on mobile devices so my photos are as they are. I am purely winging it here and at the mercy of the blogging gods! 

As you know from my last post I was in A&E last Friday and very much expected to be back there pretty quickly. After two nights crying on the sofa in severe pain, after consuming their so called mega 'controlled medications', I decided that they should either be less controlled or WAY more mega. So my husband had the pleasure of driving me back to A&E on the Sunday. Apparently being in severe pain and entirely unable to sit is not emergent enough a reason for a patient to call for an ambulance. Nor is it reason enough to avoid sitting for an hour on a hard chair in the Emergency Department, no matter how nice you are to the receptionist or the Triage nurse. Or even if you ring in advance. (Although telling the exact truth about how you felt your previous visit went may not gain you an entry onto their 'be nice to this patient and see her first' list either?!)

After said hour I was seen by the same Doctor who'd seen me two days earlier, but this time I told him how badly I felt through my veil of many flowing tears and, pardon me, snots. In other words, I was in even worse pain and extremely distraught. The best way to be seen by ED Doctor it seems!

Anyway I'll bore you no more with these serious matters, they will form part of a more serious post that will hopefully raise a few important questions. Suffice it to say that after an overnight stay in the A&E CDU unit I was eventually transferred to the nearby Private Hospital (why it took took me two days to utter the magic words 'Private Insurance' and  'Private hospital' will forever remain a mystery. Personally I blame the 'mega' 'controlled' substances... They knew exactly what they were doing! 

So there I am in my continued pain, lying in my new private room with the biggest smile on my face as I spot something wonderful to cheer me up. A window!! With a view!

Followed by an immediate request to fill in a very important document..  My menu choice (yeah.... choice!) for my evening meal and breakfast! This smile was likely to be a regular facial feature here.

Within five minutes I saw my smiley handsome Consultant for the first time and after a fashion he told me I was to get my MRI tomorrow! Yeah... Tomorrow. Still smiling here!! Through the pain.

Oh my God. Am I in hospital or in heaven? 

This next bit is for my serious post ( I NEED drugs NOT just to calm me down but to keep me out of pain so that I can lie perfectly still for the possible thirty minutes required for an MRI) but for various reasons my MRI didn't actually happen for another two days. But I'm still smiling, did you see the sunset I see every night from my room?

I'm nearly there.. stay with me now, okay?!

Then MRI day came and I got nervouser and nervouser as the day progressed. 'Shit .... Crap ... Jesus, will they have my drugs visibly ready this time? .... Will I internally combust inside this very noisy mechanical,  claustrophobic pod? ..... Will I be mysteriously lobotomised from pure fear?!  these were some of the thoughts going through my head. Feck.... I won't tell you anymore for fear of freaking you out, so I did the only sensible thing I knew. I went back on to Facebook and twitter, where my true virtual and real friends gave me their totally honest and completely positive MRI experiences, with some good advice to boot. 
Now, before you read any further I will remind you of my disclaimer in my previous posts. I am still under the influence of Opiates., I can get away with... Sorry, I mean please try to afford me some leeway in what's to follow! Okay? Remember this now!

My husband, bless him, did his best too,  in real time, to comfort and advise me. He confirmed that this was nothing to worry about at all, you'll have your drugs including Valium and plenty of people have been through this, lots of times, it is nothing to worry about. 
' besides, it's just like lying in a coffin' 

JESUS, FUCKING, CHRIST (yeah, this does warrant swearing and capitalisation) 

Now I'm  no angel, I can swear with the best of them but I never use the four-letter 'C' word. EVER. And in my six years of blogging have you ever seen me write out a really bad swear word, in this my most revered and precious blogging space? For crying out loud I even spell out my numerals!

But I do have my 'Go To Word' list to help, that gets uttered in a loop in times of extreme duress. Like when you're due a very scary MRI and then the next day you're told, with very little warning, that you're also to have a Nerve Block- that's a needle directly into your back near your spine, just in case you're wondering or are about to be annoyed by my next utterance of:

Now these are not my usual utterances in times of difficulty,  but I feel  they are totally warranted in this my second  (see?!) week of extreme pain.

In the interests of full disclosure here is my 'Go To Words' list, so you can see why I need your assistance. Remember the Opiate Disclaimer now....

Shitty pants
Pissy Knickers
Bollocks - Bollix doesn't quite do it
Bollicky-Bollicky- Knickers- a personal favourite

And then, numb with fear before any needle in my back, and in pure desperation from having finally exhausted my 'Go To Words' list this was the best I could do yesterday: 

Bollicky-Bollicky-........ POOH.

Seriously, in my ultimate hour of need this is the best I could do???

I am seriously in need of your help. 

A dangerous question I know, but what are your 'Go To Words' in times of need? Maybe you can help me out?! 

On a serious note, only relatively clean ones will be published here, no worse than my rarely used ones is the basic rule! 

I've no wish to jinx a good thing but there seems to be a gleaming light of hope shinning just a little bit away. Although my MRI (which was so relatively easy-with the help of drugs it must be said - that I dozed off!) shows a ruptured disc and my first Nerve Block provided some much needed and fairly prompt relief but I am still in need of other pain relief. Today is a good day but there is every possiblity that a long road of recovery lies ahead.

I need to expand my list!

Opiate Disclaimer: As you know at this stage I am most definitely unwell, so all my recent posts are brought to you with difficulty, especially this one from my hospital bed with an extremely short iPhone recharger! All grammatical, spelling and syntax errors are brought to you courtesy of controlled medical substances.. And the fact that blogging straight from a phone is no easy feat at the best of times!




  1. Ah, Jazzy, you poor poor thing. What a horrendous time you are having. I am liking your lovely 'Go To Word' list, some of them are new to me and really roll of the tongue. I am especially enjoying fuckitty fuck and pissy knickers. My 'Go To' list is a bit boring when compared with yours! Wishing you a speedy recovery. xx

    1. Yeah, pretty horrendous but am really happy you can see the humour in this post ... That was my true aim.

  2. Ok, so bottom line - does a ruptured disc have a chance of healing by itself or will it need surgery? Glad you are in better spirits today and that the menu is good. Wishing you all the best for a speedy as possible recovery. xxxxx

    1. I finally have it confirmed that it is NOT a ruptured disc but a bulging one. lying on a nerve. It's wear and tear and will not fix it self. the treatment is finding the right nerve that is causing all the problems in my left leg and injecting a nerve block into it regularly For the rest of my life. If that doesn't work then its a very complicated operation involving some detailed discussions. Sigh....

      My positivity levels must be kept toped up at all times. Keep those desserts, chocolate and drugs coming!! xx

  3. Oh dear God girl, I hope you are in less pain now? Expand your "Go To Word" list, like right now! Jazzy, my daughter's last disc ruptured and the one above it was bulging and eventually, my other daughter brought her to Caroline, phone 087 6310726, she lives in the rebel county and in two visits had her walking and in five visits had her back completely sorted. I recommend Caroline to lots of people. All I will say is she has a gift and she sorted my daughters back, thereby ending all the pain killing medication which only made her throw up. I won't go into the graphics here! Get well soon, much love xox

    1. Thanks @Irishminx... any suggestions to add to my list are most welcome, they continue to be put to good use EVERY day!! Thank you so much for that helpful phone number, I will be keeping ALL helpful suggestions in mind :-) xxx

  4. "Cachau bant" is one I learned growing up and luckily not many people understand me when I use it :) And if any Welsh speakers are reading this I hope I got the spelling right cos I never saw it written down before :) Dunno if it will be much help to you though xx

    1. If you translate it it for me I'll swap you an Irish (or other language) swear word ... and NOT the obvious 'Póg mo thóin' !! xx

  5. Oh my goodness! You poor thing. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

    1. Thank you so much, much appreciated.... but I do hope you got a giggle from this, I really didn't want it to be a 'pity me post'!! xx

  6. Om No!! How absolutely horrifyingly awful! To top it off-having it compared to a coffin??!! You poor thing! Although..."pissy knickers" made me laugh. I am afraid to post my "go to" words here..they are just THAT awful...being as that I am someone who spells out my numerals in blog posts as well-I know you will understand. : So sorry that you had to endure that much pain-for that long. I hope that now you can finally get the help that you need to heal. Be well my friend. ((()))

    1. Tee hee hee!! 'Pissy Knickers' is an old phrase coined by me an my show pal years ago and is one one of my absolute favourites!

      AND you're the only one who mentioned the 'coffin'.!! Am I the only one who found that hilariously funny? That one's husband would choose that particular comparison to comfort his wife?!!!
      I'm STILL laughing at it... though I guess you have to know, understand and appreciate said husband's sense of humour!! xx

  7. Thanks to everyone who shared, commented here on the blog or on twitter and Facebook. You really cheer me up and keep my spirits high :-)
    Please note that the now almost infamous 'Opiate Disclaimer' applies to my replies to your comments and to my comments on your blogs. Please forgive all errors ans appalling spellings... you have NO idea how long this takes me!! xx Jazzy


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