Tough Love


It's hard watching her lie there, seemingly comfortable in her deep,deep sleep.
Seeing her wheezing chest rise and fall. 
And then it doesn't.
No need to panic, I eventually realise. It's a rhythm change that becomes the norm.
Maybe she slips further into her deep, deep sleep?

It's hard to read the signs of what each day brings and what the future may become for her.
Some days she's awake and alert, connecting with her eyes and even attempting some words.
Does she know what she wants to say
Does her brain think her mouth is delivering it's message?

How frustrating and upsetting that must be.
To not be able to communicate your needs and your thoughts.
To not be able to swallow.

I want to help but I can't.
I helplessly hold her hand instead.
And clean out her mouth with some disgusting, medicinal compound.

I prefer the upsetting alert days to the worrying comatose sleeping ones.
What does it mean when she goes form one to the other?
What does it mean when she's changed from a hospital gown to a nightdress on occasion?
Is it a good sign
Or a really, really bad one?

These are the thoughts that crowd my head as I cross the threshold into her ward each day.
Is today the day that something else will happen
Or will we be asked to make a difficult decision?
How do you agree to not give nourishment to the one who nourished you?

Whatever happens I pray that it will be in her best interests...

xx




20 comments:

  1. Oh Jazzy that made me cry, and I hope the situation improves for both of you soon xxx

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  2. Big Huge Major Hug.

    Thinking of you...

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  3. Such a difficult and heartbreaking situation to find yourself in when the child becomes the decision maker and the roles are reversed :-( Huge hugs winging their way to you. xxx

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  4. Heartbreaking. Thinking of you and willing you the strength to get through this time xxx

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  5. Lots of love and supportive vibes. xxx

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  6. Ah dear love you, this is so hard. Thinking of you x

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  7. @Blue Sky: Thanks. It was harder to read than it was to write!

    @NanP: Thank you, hugs are most welcome.

    @Andra: That's exactly it. Thanks.

    @Petunia: Thank you.

    @Lisadom Graceapp: Huge!

    @Jane @northernmum: Thank you and thanks for visiting my blog.

    @Midlife Singlemum: Thank you, much appreciated.

    @The mum of all trades: Thanks so much.

    Thanks to all of you for such kind thoughts. There is a long road ahead of us....or not and that's hard too. Day by day ;-)

    xx Jazzy

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  8. So sorry to read what you're going through Val. Have only been there with father in law & that was very very tough, can't imagine how much worse it is with your own Mum. Big hug to you. Thinking of you. Xx Elaine C

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  9. Oh Jazzy, what a time for you... Sending you a big hug, and lots of strength. Emma xxx

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  10. So sorry to read this, Jazzy! Thinking of you and sending lots of positive vibes. xx

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  11. We went through all this with my Dad a few years ago. When the time came, we knew what was the right thing to do, and he died free of pain and anxiety.
    When I worked in an intensive care unit, a very wise consultant remarked that sometimes, with heroic measures, we are prolonging a loved one's death, not prolonging their life. Those words always stayed with me. Even now, 4 years later, no-one in my family has any regrets about the choices we made on behalf of our Dad.
    The right answer will come to you. Love and hugs to you XXX

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  12. @Magnumlady.com: Thanks so much.

    @Anonymous: Thanks Elaine. So sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I've been through it before also and it is so, so tough. Especially when it's your own mum, as you say.

    @BavarianSojourn: Thanks Emma, much appreciated.

    @The Bright Side of Life: Thanks a mil :-)

    @Jean: Very, very wise words Jean. Thank you, I shall refer to this message in the next few days/weeks. She has had a big set-back since I wrote this AND a bit of a come-back too. Her NG tube has been put back in so we'll see where this goes. Your consultant's words are ringing in my ears....

    Thanks so much for all your comments and good wishes :-)

    xx Jazzy

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  13. Such a heartbreaking situation, Val. Wishing you every strength to see you through this difficult time. John

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  14. I didn't realise you were having such a hard time Val. Thinking of you. Deb x

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  15. So tough to be in that situation, sending all good wishes, its so heartbreaking.

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  16. I really felt these words, hugs sent your way x

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  17. @John Ivory: Thanks John, it is very heartbreaking indeed.

    @Deb at aspie in the family: It is quite hard at the moment, thanks Deb.

    @Susan Green: Thanks so much.

    @JoHenley: Thank you, all hugs gratefully received!

    Thank you all for your kind thoughts. Unfortunately she's had yet another big setback since I wrote this and still she's here, fighting her way through this. At times I just want this to end for her but who can deny the fighter within?

    Tough Love, Tough Times.

    xx Jazzy

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